Paper Scratcher

After Mariah Carey’s absence from ABC’s annual ball drop, 2020 was predestined for ominousness. A relatively calm January and February led American society into a false sense of optimism. By the end of March, the Beastie Boys’ one-hit-wonder became the center of a supposed constitutional crisis.

Crowds of thin-haired, yet long-bearded sycophants gathered at state capitals nationwide in an attempt to fight for [their] right to contract a virus. Meanwhile, a variable coalition of Splat hair dye fans, cable news-consuming whites, and middle-aged mothers adjudicated and co-opted an ongoing fight for racial equality.

Fifty-two years following the assassination of Martin Luther King Jr. and two months into a global health crisis, people began to care.

Three months into this pandemic, that coalition became bored and went back to their dimly-lit rooms.

Welcome to the land of the free, where the needs of the oppressed become an infrequent consideration when Myrtle Beach reopens for business.

I’m sorry.